Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
