omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
