i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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