The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
