If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
