please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
