dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
