My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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