I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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