you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
