Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
