My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize