made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
