My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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