Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
