God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
