Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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