Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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