i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
