u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
