I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
