It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
