I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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