Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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