i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
How does one acquire holy water?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
