I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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