I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
