i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
