Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
