im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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