She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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