He is like the real live version of the state fair..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
