As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
