Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
True strength comes from lack of pants
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
