So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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