We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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