Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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