In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
