Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
