I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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