PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
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