You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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