I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
