The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i will never coherently bang her
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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