Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
