Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
