if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
