Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Never underestimate the power of titties
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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