Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
