he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
