I will die if light touches me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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