Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
