i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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