He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize