Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there's paper in my vomit.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
