will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
