I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
