Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize