broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
