Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
