I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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